


things have changed (but that's okay...)

by smokingthedrugs



Category: As December Falls, Bandom, Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, Ryden - Fandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Brendon swears a lot, Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Explicit Language, F/M, Hamilton References, M/M, Minor Violence, Panic Attacks, Peterick, Poor Everyone, Poor Ryan, Ryden, joshler - Freeform, most stuff is canon, the band exists
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2018-08-29 23:16:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8509363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smokingthedrugs/pseuds/smokingthedrugs
Summary: A boy trying to be strong and hide his feelings and a boy too broken to try anymore. Will anything change when the two meet again after a shitty breakup and years of time apart?Brendon and Ryan meet again at a show after a supes long breakup.Some stuff is canon, other stuff... Not at all.*NOT TO BE CONTINUED*





	1. Let's Kill Tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello frens! This is my first Fic, and I'm just getting used to /regular/ uploads and honestly just writing in general. I don't really have that much life experience so I'm trying to write as realistic as can be, and that means lots of editing and re writing.  
> I know peeps might want smut but that will NOT be coming to this Fic soon tyvm. I'm legit afraid of the sins and I can't write it for shit, trust me.  
> Whelp, hope y'all's like this thing. 
> 
> Enjoy frens!❤

"We're gonna kill it tonight." Brendon said to Dallon with a wide grin. The band was about to start soundcheck for their LA concert, the last one of the Bachelor tour before everyone went home. 

"Hopefully." He laughed. 

"Just don't kill _yourself_ trying to do that backflip." Added Dan. 

"Fuck you guys, I've never screwed up my backflip." The guys rolled their eyes at the comment with a chuckle. 

"Oh shut up. You guys are assholes." He shot back. Today's show was the most important one of the whole tour. It was bound to be the biggest and all of our friends were going be here. Sarah, Spencer and Linda, Pete and Patrick, Josh and Tyler, _everyone_. That meant he couldn't fuck up that stupid goddamn backflip. Or anything, for that matter. 

"If I mess up I'll take it in stride." Brendon said confidently. 

" **SOUNDCHECK; ONE MINUTE.** " Somebody yelled. It was probably Zack or someone working the venue. _Ah shit._ The night was just about to start, and it seemed like it'd be a special one.

*

Soundcheck successful. Now was time for the meet and greet and then the band had 15 minutes of free time to prepare for the performance. Brendon stood with Dallon, Ken, and Dan. His hands shook with anticipation. Brendon had done hundreds of meet and greets in his almost 13 year career but it always filled him with excitement. Most of the time people were amazing. There had been some shitty people he met, but usually the whole event was amazing and full of love and support and everybody seemed to have mutual interests. It was kind of like a family reunion, without the weird uncles and racist grandmas, for lack of a better explanation. 

"Damn guys. This is the biggest one yet." He said. The other three lauged. 

"Jesus Christ, I think I see my ex girlfriend from high school." He glanced over the line of people waiting to take pictures with the band, and there were a _shitton_ of familiar looking people. 

"Holy shit I think I might know some of these people! I can't believe it, why would they come all the way here?" Brendon looked at the crowd again, but this time one face seemed to stand out in particular. He had a messy brown chin-length fringe that covered some of his face, and he wore dark sunglasses, black jeans, and a black _Phases_ t-shirt. He nudged Dallon's ribs. 

"Hey, see the guy over there? He looks _really_ damn familiar, you know who it is?" The guy must've noticed Brendon pointing at him as he stood up talker and he started to taking off his sunglasses. 

"Oh _god_ Brendon. I can't believe I didn't notice him. Don't worry about it, we might be able to postpone this until after the show. Let's go." Dallon started pulling the sleeve of his jacket but Brendon pulled away. _What the fuck is his issue?_ He pushed the taller man away and squinted his eyes to get a clearer picture. The guy just barely waved at him smiling nervously. Brendon took a step forward, ignoring the screaming girls to get a slightly closer look. The man looked down and the sun caught in his eyes, which shone a golden hue. 

He waved again, a light blush dusting his face. Brendon's heart seemed to stop. He dug his fingernails into his palm to try and get a grasp of everything that was happening. It felt surreal. He really didn't want to believe it, but the guy was practically right in front of him. Of course he had to show up. Motherfucking _Ryan Ross._

Brendon grabs Dallon's hand and puts it back where he'd been tugging on his arm before. 

"Well Dal', what are you waiting for? Lead the way." 

*

"Brendon just go. It'll be _fine_. Meet the first few people, pretend you're sick, and walk out before Ryan even gets here. You don't have to talk to him, or even see him for that matter. It's all right." Brendon shook my head at Dallon's plan whilst pacing the floor of the backstage area. 

"Dude, that'll look so obvious. I'm just gonna look like a pussy. We were in a band before, asshat. It's not like that's never happened." He played out the scenario in my head. Ryan comes up, _WHOOPS_ , sorry Brendon doesn't feel good, looks like he's gonna be sick, have Zack escort him out as quick as possible, and _scene_. But Ryan's wasn't stupid. He'd know damn well what was going on. 

"Fuck it. I'll just act like I don't know who he is. He's not the only Ryan I know. It's has been _5 years_ , since we last met." Dallon cocked his head at him. 

"Yeah, but he's the only Ryan _Ross_ you know." 

"It's a common name!" Brendon snaps, Dallon shakes his head. 

"Do whatever you want dude. Just tell me if you're gonna bail _beforehand_. If not you'll look like a complete idiot." He nodded in acknowledgement. _Whatever. It's not a big deal, it's not a big deal, It's not a fucking big deal... I hope._

*

The meet and greet started off like normal. Brendon tried to act calm while meeting both new and fans. All of which were full of energy and excitement. 

"You still have tickets from the Nothing Rhymes With Circus tour? Holy shit that's _awesome!_ " 

"You want me to sign this shoe? _Great!_ " Though as the line proceeded he grew more and more anxious. He looked to where Ryan was last standing. He must've moved because Brendon caught the glint of his eyes all the way at the back of the line. This time he didn't notice Brendon's stare. He was looking down at his feet, fringe covering his eyes. Brendon sighed in relief, but still couldn't rid himself of the nervous knot in the pit of his stomach. Ryan may have looked far away, but the line was moving _so_ damn quickly...

After about an hour that finish meeting everybody except for 4 people. A group of freaking out friends and Ryan _fucking_ Ross. When they start moving over to us Brendon pulled Dallon away. 

"One sec," He said to the girls and a guy who looks to be one of their boyfriends. They looked like they were about to faint. 

"I don't think I can do it-" Dallon grabbed his wrist and started walking toward the exit. 

"Mmhmm, I've already planned your escape. There's an emergency exit to the left-" I push him away. 

"Jesus, stop pulling me around _Dad_ lon." Dallon smiled apologetically. 

"Sorry..." He shrugged. He knew Dallon was just trying to help, but sometimes he could be way too damn protective. 

"Whatever dude. What I was trying to say is, I don't think I can see Ryan with you guys around... It's just... You think I can pull him backstage?" Dallon sighs. 

"Yeah, thought you'd say that. I talked to security and they said it's fine. Zack wants you back 5 minutes before the show starts, so you have 10 minutes to sort whatever this is out. Now we should get back to those other three fans who are here to meet _all of us_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's my twitter and tumblr if anyone has any suggestions or just needs to talk. my dm's are always open;  
> twitter.com/smokingthedrugs  
> smokingthedrugs.tumblr.com


	2. Hurricane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, heres chapter 2.  
> The second part is a memory, hence the italics. (Just in case you were wonderin)
> 
> spoiler*** Bren kinda has a panic attack 
> 
> Enjoy frens!❤

The last people walk away and only _he's_ left. 

"Brendon Urie, long time no see! How are you?" Ryan smiles. He had great faux confidence but his eyes looked absolutely terrified. Brendon bit the inside of his cheek and with a deep breath took a long stride to face him. 

"Yeah, long time... maybe we should talk backstage and catch up a little?." He nodded, and tge two started walking to a quiet area behind some curtains. 

"Why are you here?" Brendon asked. He tried to push away the anxious ache in his chest and was unsuccessful. He was feeling the beginnings of a panic attack, the sudden nausea, the lump in his throat, the sweat beading on the back of his neck... He hadn't had one of those in _years._ Ryan bit his lip. _Of course_ he did. Brendon used to always comment on the nervous tick. He had thought it was adorable. _...shortness of breath..._

"I um, bought tickets, and I wanted to see how the band was doing, and uh, I just kinda wanted to talk to you about... Things..." Brendon shake my head, sighing. 

"...why Ryan? Why now? It's been almost six years..." His light brown eyes look away. His fringe was all over the place like he'd been running his hands through it all day. _...dryness of tounge..._

"Things ended bad, and well, l just, I... I wanted to apologize. I know it's.. _late..._ I guess that's an understatement..." He bit his lip again, looking worried. _...extreme dizziness..._

"Ry-Ryan, it's... I just, I don't know..." _Things could have ended so differently..._

"I'm not really... I don't think i can talk about that now... I mean," He looked Ryan in the eyes, they were glassy and noticably beginning to fill with tears which he desperately tried to blink away. _...blurry vision..._

"Yeah-" He dropped his head and frantically shook his hands. 

"Yeah, um, sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, or-" 

"Ryan," He interrupted. 

"Just, I don't think right now is the best time. Can we uh, maybe meet here after the concert?" Brendon quickly pulled his phone out of his pocket to check the time. 

"I only have 5 minutes until I have to go on and this show is _really_ important..." Ryan's shoulders slump. 

"Yeah, sorry Brendon. I uh, sorry..." Brendon nodded. He was digging his fingernails in his palms again to ground himself. He could feel the skin break and warm droplets of blood seep out of the wound. 

"It's fine, just, meet me here after the show. Then we can... Talk..." I start walking to the stage. _What the hell am I doing?_ He could hear sniffle coming from behind him, making him break into a sprint. _I am a complete idiot..._

*

The last time Brendon saw Ryan was almost six years ago at a Vices and Virtues signing back in 2011. They had briefly been seeing each other for three months after a few years apart, trying desperately salvage their hopeless relationship. After the signing was over they'd decided to go get a few drinks together. Turned out everybody threw a whole after-party and both of us ended up getting shitfaced. We started fighting about some random shit, probably for the millionth time that week, which lead to an even bigger argument about our breakup in 2009. A topic they seemed to linger on fairly often. 

_"It's your fucking fault Brendon. You fucked everything up " He slurred. Brendon could feel the anger building up inside of him._

_"My fault? My fucking fault!? You are a goddamn lying bastard! I'm not the one who fucking lied behind your back and had sex with someone else! We were supposed to try and make this work Ryan, and all you've been doing is acting like a huge fucking dick." He turned his head and laughed._

__

"Work this out? You're hilarious, Brendon. Notging is being 'worked out' with that fucking whore of yours around all the time. Sarah, right? I can tell you have a boner for her. You talk about me cheating? well I highly doubt you haven't fucked her behind my back."

__

Brendon and Sarah had started getting close after the first breakup. They were best friends, and were with eachother all the time. Everybody had just assumed they were dating since nobody knew about Ryan and Brendon's reprise. Sarah didn't know about them either. He'd just told her the story he told everyone. _"The band broke up because of creative differences, but we have nothing against each other."_ But that was far from he truth. Ryan always had his doubts about Sarah, no matter how many times Brendon told him we weren't and hadn't ever been together. Ryan never trusted him. 

_"I've told you a million times that we haven't done anything and sure to hell aren't planning on doing anything Ryan. Its not like that. I'm_ TRYING _. So fucking hard for you. I love you." He just laughed and moved closer to Brendon's face_

_"You_

lying _, cheating piece of shit. If you loved me you'd let her go." My hands were balled in to fists, squeezing so hard that my knuckles were turning white._

"Ryan, 

__please _, God! Stop being such a hypocrite! I trust you even after all the shot you put me through," Brendon could feel the tears beginning to sting his eyes._

"Why don't you fucking trust me!?" Ryan continued to ignore him. 

__

"You're just too much of a pussy, aren't you? To scared to tell the bitch that she can never have you. That you're actually 

__gay _. Bisexual my ass. That's just some bullshit that indecisive assholes who couldn't decide between dick and pussy created." He rubbed my eyes._

"Or maybe you're just too scared to admit that you don't love me anymore." Brendonpush him away. 

__

"Or maybe 

__you're _just a coward who's too afraid of commitment! I'm trying_ so _hard. I want this to work out, I really do, but you don't even seem to give a shit!" He noticed tears starting to form in Ryan's eyes._

"You don't even care about me, do you Brendon? God, I'm honestly surprised you're still with me right now and not off flirting with some other bitch!" Ryan yells. 

__

"That is enough! I can't deal with your shit anymore!" Brendon pushes Ryan off again, this time getting socked in the eye. He backed away, shocked. 

__

"Bren-" he starts. He could tell Ryan already regretted his decision did but he was too taken aback to even consider letting that go. 

__

"How fucking 

__dare _you! I'm leaving. And don't you dare fucking follow me." His eye was already throbbing._

"Brendon! Wait please! I'm-" Ryan reached toward him but Brendon shoved him away. 

__

"Get the fuck away from me, you disgusting asshole." He yelled, walking toward my car. He put my hand over his swelling face and felt tears he didn't notice rolling down his cheek. When Brendon opened the front door of the car he could hear Ryan crying, cursing himself between sobs. He was about to get in and leave when he remembered Sarah asking him for a ride back home. He slammed the door and threw myself into the back instead and just let go. Shivering and sobbing and unable to stop. 

__

After a while Brendon could hear people approaching the car. Sarah opened the driver's seat door and looked to where he was sat slumped in the backseat. 

__

"Hey, we were looking for you! l was just about to leave all alone." She faked a frown and giggled. He managed to choke out a small chuckle and hold the in the tears. 

__

"Are you alright?" She asked, concerned. 

__

"Yeah," Brendon began to sit up straight, trying to keep composure in front of her. 

__

"Sorry, it was just too damn loud inside and freezing out here. I'm tired as hell, so I just decided to wait for you in the car." She leaned in and gave him a comforting peck on the nose. 

__

"Good, I was worried about you." she whispered. 

__

"You ready to leave now?" He nodded, climbing into the passenger seat. 

__

"Fuck. Yes. You driving?" He asked. Sarah gasped. 

__

"Bren, I am not letting you drive with all that alcohol in your system. You and Ryan drank that whole bar dry!" Brendon's heart dropped at the mention of him and his eyes swelling eye stung even more. He blinked harshly giving Sarah a weak smile, and she started the engine. She started to talk about something that happened to her at the bar but he didn't listen. I couldn't. I glanced in the rearview mirror to see Ryan sitting in the same spots a when Brendon left, head in his knees.

__

Brendon had only got a glimpse of Ryan they we were out of the parking lot and on the road, the last one he thought he'd ever get. Until today, that is. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's my twitter and tumblr if anyone has any suggestions or just needs to talk. my dm's are always open;  
> twitter.com/smokingthedrugs  
> smokingthedrugs.tumblr.com


	3. Collar Full

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, i rlly hope everyone's enjoying the fic. i've been working rlly hard and ttrying to make the story interesting. Now i have a question, would anyone like some of the plot in ryan's perspective? i can make each chapter a diffrernt perspective or two perspectives per chapter. either was, let me know if you'd like that. bye, and enjoy!

"Fuck Brendon! Where were you?!" Yelled Zack when Brendon got back to the green room. There were 2 minutes until the concert started. 

"Sorry Zack, I ran into some fans and they wanted to say hi and get pictures and stuff. I couldn’t say so." He gave him an apologetic smile and Zack nodded, straight faced. 

"Fine, fine. But you need to be here earlier next time. We don’t have time to wait, and A doubt people came to hear just the karaoke of your songs” Brendon shrugged, Zack _was_ right after all. “Im sorry man, but you know how I feel about being late and stuff, and i know how important this show is for you guys.” Zack smiled and patted his shoulder with a friendly smile. “Now,” The tall man looked around for a moment. 

"You have some visitors." Brendon looked toward the direction Zack was to see a familiar light brown bun. The girl turned around at Zack's mention of visitors. It was Sarah. Brendon forced a smile and ignored his one again growing anxiety. He had completely forgot about her. Today was going to be a long day. 

"Bren!" The woman exclaimed, getting up and running towards him, eyes shining. She pulled him in for a tight embrace. 

"It's been a whole month since I last saw you, I missed you so much!" She put her hands behind Brendon’s neck and pulled him in for a kiss. 

"I missed you too, Sar," He laughed. Sarah let go of his neck and Brendon put his arm around her shoulder. _Fuck_. He thought. _What would she think about Ryan?_ He swallowed the lump beginning to form in his throat, and Sarah must’ve noticed because she looked up at him, eyes full of concern. 

"What's up?" She pouted. 

" **ONE MINUTE UNTIL SHOWTIME.** " Somebody yells. Brendon let go of Sarah's shoulders. 

"Oh, just nervous about the show." He said, shaking his hands and attempting to give her a convincing smile. She seemed to buy in and smiled back. 

"You're gonna do great, Brenny. You always do. But you should probably go now or you're gonna hold the whole thing up." She jokes. He laughed anxiously in response and adjusted his jacket. 

"Thanks baby." 

"C'mon! Let's go, let's go!" Zack yelled out to the band. Brendon take one last look at his wife, jogging toward Dallon. 

"Love you!" She said, and he threw a smile her way before turning around and creasing his eyebrows.. _I can't believe I talked to Ryan... It’s been_ 5 years _for God's sake! Why today?_ Dallon and the rest of the band started to go on stage, and Ken threw Brendon his mic. They all went to their instruments while he waited backstage for the beginning of Don’t Threaten Me With A Good Time.. _Don't Screw this up Brendon, even though he's here you _cannot_ fuck this up..._ Brendon wiped the sweat from his palms onto his jeans as the baseline started. He took one last breath and put the mic to his mouth. _Here goes nothing..._ With slight hesitation he started the song. _Ryan fucking Ross..._

 _"Alright, alright..."_

*

When the show was over everyone was ecstatic. Everything went pretty great in Brendon’s opinion, everybody _loved_ it! But he just couldn't get Ryan out of his head, no matter how hard he tried. And _God_ did Brendon try. With the knowledge that Ryan was somewhere in the crowd he couldn't help but feel nauseous as the show began. _What if Sarah’s angry that I talked to him? What if she’ll hate me for it? But she's too sweet to hate me... Has she found out about before?_ As soon as the show ended Brendon started heading backstage, and Sarah was waiting for him. 

"Oh my god babe that was amazing! I told you you'd be great." She said. He walked up to give her a quick hug and slowly began inching toward the place he was meeting Ryan. She frowned. 

"Where are you going? Everyone's been waiting to see you guys." Brendon looked around and see the back of Josh Dun's mop of fading yellow hair standing beside somebody who must’ve been Tyler Joseph. He shook his head. 

"Sorry Sar, I need to do something quickly. Be back in five okay?" She nodded, still frowning. She leaned in to kiss him and instead Brendon gave her a peck on the cheek. 

"Five minutes, I promise." She smiled weakly as he headed backstage, trying to avoid anyone looking for him.

*

When Brendon arrived at the spot behind the curtains Ryan was already standing there. The man’s deep honey coloured eyes brightened when he saw him and his face burnt up. 

"You were _incredible_ , Brendon. I'm surprised that I haven't seen one of your shows in so long, I've been missing out on a lot..." Ryan said with a shy grin. Brendon smiled. 

"Thanks... But, uh, listen... I have five minutes. We should talk, for real. About... Everything we can I guess..." Ryan looked away. 

"Yeah, yeah that's a good idea..." They both stood there in silence for a moment. 

"Well," Ryan is the first one to talk. "I just wanted to apologize for being such a... Douchebag..." Brendon could feel the awkward tension in the air building up. 

"Ryan, you're not a douchebag." He say without thinking. Ryan looks at him, cheeks red. 

"I mean, I understand, and I know what you mean... But if you are a douchebag you sure as hell aren’t alone." Brendon gestured to himself with a shrug. Ryan laughed quietly. 

"Sorry," Ryan said quickly. "wrong word choice." Brendon let out a small chuckle. 

"Brendon, I’m just going to say it flat out. I- I treated you like shit and never even tried to apoligize. You don't understand how much I’ve regret doing- What I did... I'm a complete idiot." Brendon notice his eyes starting to water and he rubs it away with a sad smile. 

"I ruined everything." 

"Ryan... It's not your fault. We weren’t good people back then, we were just kids. _Jesus_ , I was an asshole. I don’t even know how you could call _yourself_ one..." He saw Ryan opening his mouth to say something cut him off. 

"Please stop blaming yourself. _Please_. It was _our_ fault, the both of us. We were so young when we started dating for Christ's sakes. Nobody would be able to be in a relationship with a person who they spent every hour of the day with for six years in a row. Six fucking years…” _We’ve almost been apart that long…_

"I'm sorry Brendon, for not trying harder for you. I shouldn't have waited this long... I was so scared that you'd hate me, I don't even know why the fuck I did-" he stops talking and takes a deep breath. 

"Yeah..." Brendon looked down and bit his cheek. 

"I shouldn't have done it." He starts 

"It’s not who I am. I just, I don't even know... I know I can't make up excuses because I did it, and no matter how much I regret it and try to wipe the memory from my brain, I still fucking did it." Ryan bit the inside of his lip. He looked like a mess, eyes puffy and filling with tears and his nose running. 

"Fuck Brendon, I am so fucking sorry." Brendon put his hand on Ryan’s shoulder. He could feel his muscles tense up under his t-shirt for a moment but he quickly relaxed into the touch. 

"Stop doing this to yourself, Ry." He hesitates at the nickname. As soon as it left Brendon’s mouth Ryan looked surprised. He shook my head and continued. 

"You don't deserve to be hurt. You're an amazing person. I can't bear to see you like this..." Ryan's breaths became sharper and he put his hand over his mouth trying to disguise it. Brendon knew better. 

"I forgive you. It's okay. You don't know how much I hate myself over the fact that I never even fucking tried to reach out. What happened wasn’t right, but- it all could have ended so different..." Ryan started sobbing violently. Brendon could just barely feel the tears running down my face but he already knew they'd come. Ryan's head fell into his chest and though taken aback, he couldn't help but embrace him. Ryan was frail; Brendon could feel his ribcage and shoulder bones digging into his own skin. He felt his heart shatter. Ryan couldn’t have eaten three proper meals in ages. They stood there for a moment, Ryan sniffling on Brendon’s shoulder and him trying to hold his ground all the while completely breaking down inside. When Ryan let go he wiped his eyes. 

"I'm a mess." He choked. 

"Aren't we all?" Ryan quietly laughs at the joke. 

"We really are. I’m sorry for that. Oh, and thank you also." I smile at him and wipe my cheeks with my arm. 

”It’s fine, I get it. And no problem. You would’ve done the same.” Brendon noticed a light blush rising on Ryan’s face. _A long day indeed. Oh, shit!_ He remembered his promise to Sarah. 

"Oh god, it’s been way longer than five minutes, I have to go... I'm so sorry. I know it’s a bad time, but I think people are waiting on me..." Ryan frowned. 

"Oh yeah... Well, I guess you'd better be going then. To your friends." He said with a sigh. Brendon felt like he shouldn't leave, it was such a dick move after what happened. They hadn’t even really got much talking done, either. Just a _lot_ of emotions. "Um, maybe we meet up sometime to talk without being rushed?" Brendon suggested. Ryan smiled. 

"That's a great idea. How’ll I get in contact with you?" 

"Got a phone?" Brendon asked. He immediately cringed at the phrase. 

“Agh, that was terrible I’m sorry.” Ryan laughed at that. 

"S’fine. And obviously I have a phone, Brendon." 

"On you?" He patted down his pockets and shook his head with a chuckle. 

“How ironic.” Ryan reached into his jacket pocket and get out pulled out a black pen. 

”I do just so happen to have a pen on me though. _Got an arm?_ ” He mimicked Brendon’s earlier sentence. 

"No paper? Fine then." Brendon extended his arm and let Ryan scrawl down his number. 

"Thanks a lot Bren- Brendon... I didn't know if you'd even want to see me again..." Brendon smiled. 

"I may be an _douchebag_ but I'm not a jerk. I liked talking to you, it's been too long." Ryan pushed his fringe out of his face. 

"Thanks, and me too. Um, I guess you should probably go now..." He said. Brendon nodded. 

"Yeah, thanks. I'll text you or something , 'kay?" 

"Yup. Don't forget." He joked. Brendon started stepping toward the green room. Ryan waved and I waved back. 

"Bye." The two said in unison, laughing at the irony. He waited until Ryan turned around to start jogging back to the green room. _Far too little time… Maybe I shouldn’t’ve promised her..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's my twitter and tumblr if anyone has any suggestions or just needs to talk. my dm's are always open;  
> twitter.com/smokingthedrugs  
> smokingthedrugs.tumblr.com


	4. Nicotine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken forever to update. I had crazy writers block and I honestly had no idea what do do with this one. I've also been sick asf so which def contributed to the long ass time it took to update this.  
> I forgot to thank y'all's for giving this thing kudos, and for reading. I really really appreciate it. It makes me feel like I'm not just a trash can writing fanfic about two thirty year old dudes I ship (which I am tbh but that's beside the point.) also, this thing almost has 200 hits and it's only been up for 2 weeks. Seriously, I am so happy and so thankful for everybody whose taken time out of their day to read my wonderful trash bebe.  
> I hope yalls enjoy this chapter, the next one should be up in a bit
> 
> Thanks frens!❤

Turns out more people were waiting than Brendon had thought. 

"Brendon! There you are! You told me you’d be back 5 minutes! _Only_ 5 minutes!" Sarah stood up from the chair she was sitting in and walked over to Brendon, hitting him in the shoulder. _Should I tell her? What would she think?_ He decided against it, not wanting to stress Sarah out any further. 

"Sorry, I got kinda... held up. These.. Girls, wouldn't stop following me and... Security wouldn't let me through?" Brendon shrugged. He didn’t mean for that to sound like a question. 

"Uh, who's here?" He tried to change the subject but Sarah didn't seem fazed. 

"God Brendon, A lot of people _were_ here, but a bunch had to leave because they didn’t have time to wait for you. Josh and Tyler are still here, and so is Pete and Spencer. Patrick could only stop here for a second and Linda had to work. Matt and Mason also managed to drop by somehow but couldn't stay for long. How does a simple _'5 minutes'_ turn into _20??_ " Brendon shrugged again. He didn’t know what to say. 

"Do you even care?" 

"Of course I do Sarah. I told you, I got held up, it's- it’s not my fault." He said, lifting his hand to her face and lightly stroking her cheek with his thumb. He hated lying to her, but now really wasn’t the time to get into everything. She shook her head and sighed. 

"I’m sorry Bren. But you know how I am. I just like things on time. No surprises. Just makes everything easier, you know?" Brendon nodded in agreement. _Would have been much easier today if Ryan hadn't dropped in for a surprise visit._

"I'm sorry, for real. I would've texted you but I didn't have my phone." I apologize. She kisses my cheek. 

"It's fine. I figured-" Sarah opened her mouth but was cut off by Pete, who was sitting with everybody else on the ‘L’ shaped couch in the corner. 

"Jesus guys, get your asses over here! You’re too _married_." He chuckled. Brendon shook his head, turning his head to Sarah who was smiling aswell, a soft pink tinting her cheeks. 

’Sorry.’ He mouthed, taking her hand and walk over to the couch, where they sat beside Josh and Tyler at the end. 

"You were incredible, man." Josh said, patting Brendon’s back. He shook his head and looked down, grinning. 

"Naw, I couldn’t’ve been _that_ great..." He looked up to see Pete staring at him, stunned. 

"Are you _kidding_ me?" 

"You were sick as frick!" Tyler chimed. 

"Thanks guys," Brendon started. 

"but how amazing could I have been when _these_ dudes were on stage?" He pointed the rest of the band members who sat on another couch with Spencer across from the one Brendon, Sarah, Pete Josh, and Tyler were at. 

"Seriously though, I think tonight was the best night of the tour. We fucking KILLED it!" Everyone started cheering, standing up and high-fiving each band member. Dallon stood awkwardly at the end of the group though, a worried expression plastered across his face. Brendon moved away from everybody and tapped him on the shoulder. 

"What’s up?" He whispered. Dallon looked at him with wide eyes. 

"We need to talk. Now." He lightly tugged at the sleeve of Brendon’s jacket and pointed to a door on the other side of the room. 

"Okay...?" The men walked towards it, but were stopped by Pete again. 

"Now where the fuck are you two going?" Dallon relaxed, smiling slightly. 

"Just gotta run and grab Brendon’s phone, don't want him getting lost again," Everyone laughed, and Pete smiles. 

"Fiiiiiiiiiine, but hurry the hell up because we got something for you guys." Dallon nodded, still smiling awkwardly. 

"Sounds great. We’ll be back in a couple.”

*

When they got inside the small room Dallon completely lost his composure. His eyebrows furrowed and his smile from earlier faded. 

"Jesus Dallon it looks like you're about to have a heart attack! What the fuck happened?" Brendon stressed. Dallon grabbed him by the shoulders, shaking him violently. 

"Woah woah! Calm the fuck down dude!" 

"What happened! What did you guys do?!" He must’ve been talking about the meeting with Ryan. Dallon was just too overprotective. 

"Dallon, seriously, calm down. Nothing big happened. He just wanted to see how we were doing." He was still staring Brendon deep in the eyes. 

"Brendon I'm not an idiot. When you came back you were all flustered and your eyes were puffy. Something happened." Dallon grabbed his arm, flipping it around to expose Ryan’s writing on his wrist. 

"And what the hell is this? You can see it so flipping easily under your sleeve, everyone’s going to notice! You can't just go fooling around with your ex! You know that’ll just end up a shitshow. God, I knew I shouldn't’ve let you go alone. I can’t leave you for even a second without you falling onto somebody’s-" Brendon ripped his arm from Dallon’s grasp and rubbed his wrist where the man was gripping it. 

"Okay _Dad_ , first of all, thanks for trusting me dude, I really appreciate it. Second, are you slut shaming me Dal’?" Dallon looked down, ruffling his hair. 

"And third, nothing- _not much_. He wanted to get in contact because we hadn't talked in forever, okay? He wanted to say sorry for-” Brendon had to stop himself. _Shit, he doesn’t even know that_ “Band stuff that happened... before, and he wanted to try and be friends again. I got his number so we could talk. As _friends,_ Dallon. I'm married you dumbass, and I wouldn't have said 'I do' if I planned on cheating on Sarah. You really are an idiot you know that?" Dallon sighed and looked at him apologetically. 

"Sorry," 

"It's fine man. Next time, just calm _the fuck_ down if you haven't even heard the full story. You worry too much. Now can we get back to everybody?" 

*

Turns out Pete's big surprise was that he and the label rented out a bar for the night to celebrate the end of the tour, and organized a huge after-party. 

"Networking is always a top priority." Was his motto. Brendon didn’t exactly _love_ the idea of an after-party, seeing the affect of his last one. He didn’t have the heart to tell Pete, though, after all of the shit he must’ve had to do to get this set up. After a few more hours of the ten of them hanging out, they decided that to get going. Everybody said their goodbyes and got going to meet again at the bar. 

"Do we have to stay for long?" Sarah asked as her and Brendon got into their car. He shake my head. 

"Of course not, if that's what you want. I'm exhausted anyways." As Brendon put the key in the ignition she gave him a peck on the cheek. 

"Good. Not that I don't want to go or anything, I just want to spend time with you. It feels like we haven't seen each other in forever." She explained. He gave her a kiss back and smiled as he started the car and began driving out of the venue. After a few moments of silence Sarah started up again. 

"Oh, Brendon? I forgot to tell you earlier. You won't _believe_ who I saw at the concert.” He glanced over to her briefly. Brendon could feel the beginnings of anxiety building in my chest. _It couldn't have been..._ He tightened his grip on the steering wheel. 

"Who?" Brendon asked as he tried to sound casual. 

"I saw Ryan. I couldn't believe he was at one of your shows! It's been so long, hasn't it?" He took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of his nose. _This cannot be happening..._

"Ryan who, honey?" he asked, trying not to seem too interested. 

"Ryan Ross, Bren. I said hi, but he seemed really... Distressed, I guess? I don't really know... Did you see him?" _Sarah saw him, she actually fucking saw him. Of course. How do I even reply?_ The sides of Brendon’s vision grew blurry, and breathing was growing harder. Brendon tried to get as much air in his lungs as possible but nothing was seeming to work. It felt like he was suffocating. _Black._ He could hear Sarah's voice through the his dark vision couldn’t make out what she was saying. After what felt like hours Brendon was brought out of his trance by Sarah shaking his shoulder. The car was sat at the end of the parking lot, engine still running. He could feel a cold sweat on my forehead. He wiped the dampened hair from my forehead. _The fuck?_

"Brendon! Brendon! Are you okay?!" Sarah shouted. She must've been asking for a while now. 

"Yeah, I'm good, I guess... Why are we parked?" Brendon asked, still trying to recover from my episode. She shook his shoulder again. 

"Brendon! You stopped the car and had a panic attack!" He looked down. 

"Jesus… I'm sorry... I didn't-" 

"Do not apologize. It's not your fault. But... Has this been happening, often? Your anxiety isn't coming back, is it? What set you off?" Brendon shook his head. 

"I don't think so. And um, maybe it’s just the- the high of tour going away…? I'm sorry, baby..." I say again. She leans over to pull me into a hug. 

"Stop it with the apologies. You don't need to be sorry, tour is very stressful, I get it. You wanna just call it a night?" He pulled away, putting his hands back on the steering wheel and squeezing. He looked into Sarah's crystal clear blue eyes, they were clouded with worry and concern. 

"No Sar, let’s go. It'll be fun. We’ll just go for an hour or so. I'll be okay." Brendon assured. Sarah didn't seem convinced at all. 

"I'm fine. I promise." He insisted. Her features began softening, and she relaxed a bit. 

"Okay. But only if you want to. I love you, Bren, and I'm glad you're okay." He gave Sarah a weak smile and pulled her in for a kiss. 

"Love ya' too," Brendon said after they broke apart. He put a foot on the gas pedal and started driving toward the road again. I opened the window to let in a bit of fresh air. He could barely focus, thoughts taking over his brain as he tried piecing together everything that just happened. _She brought up Ryan Ross and I stopped the car and had a full-on panic attack. For the first time in fucking years. All because she mentioned Ryan fucking Ross. I should have listened to Dallon. Now Sarah will think something`s odd... Maybe I should tell her?_ Brendon laughed silently at the thought. _Yeah, definitely not now. I sure as hell aren't ready and after that? She probably won’t be either._ Brendon took another deep breath and put an arm out the window, seeing Ryan’s number penned on on his wrist sticking out of my jacket. _Or maybe I could talk to _him?_ Get this shit all over and done with? No Ryan, no stress. God, what what the fuck have I done?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's my twitter and tumblr if anyone has any suggestions or just needs to talk. my dm's are always open;  
> twitter.com/smokingthedrugs  
> smokingthedrugs.tumblr.com
> 
> (((THANK YOU ALL FOR 500 HITS!!! i dont think you understand what this means for me. this fic is like a writing evolution for me. it feels like ive been working on this for years. sometimes it gets hard, and i have trouble writing, but every hit, every kudos, every comment or bookmark or subscription pushes me to work harder. thank you so much, frens. love y'all


	5. Cutting My Mind Off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you all for 255 hits, I am currently imploding. And thanks to the people who've been giving this kudos and bookmarking it, it literally gives me life when I see that people are actually liking my work.  
> Second, this chapter is sad asf, sorry bout dat. I swear that the next chapter will be action packed spicy cuisine.  
> Third, I have writers block asf, it took me so long to write this because when I started it was COMPLETE UTTER GARBAGE, and it took me 8 days to make it actually readable and not shit. .  
> Fourth, it might take a while for the next chapter because I have to study for this test on the whole math curriculum for my grade and I don't even know half of the material. Also our wifi's been screwy lately, so updating might be difficult.  
> Last but not least, trigger warning because there is a past suicide attempt described in this chapter which is detailed asf. I honestly don't have much experience in the whole depression/suicide area, I'm only really familliar with the anxiety and panic attacks in this chapter. Ahhhh, I'm just a sad lil trash can XD
> 
> ANYWHO, here it is. 
> 
> Enjoy frens!❤

After enduring a long and silent drive to Pete's bar, Brendon and Sarah finally pulled into the parking lot. He seriously did not want to be there anymore, especially after his breakdown about 20 minutes ago. The parking lot was pretty much completely full, and Brendon could hear music from the bar inside of their car. _What if it happens again?_ He shook his head, trying to physically remove the thought from his mind. The couple drove around for a moment, finally settling the car into an empty spot. 

"Shit Sarah, the place is almost full. Good thing we found a parking spot." He joked, trying to sound regular. He hadn't said a single word since the _incident_ and Sarah seemed to be growing worried. She let out a muffled sigh and smiled weakly.

"What's up?" Brendon put his hand behind the woman’s ear and stroked his thumb over her cheek in an attempt to comfort her.

"Just... Are you completely sure you're okay, Brendon? Is something wrong? Was it- was it Ryan? I know it must’ve been stressful to know he was there. You can talk to me you know..." Brendon froze. He tried to disguise the tension and ignore the pulling in his chest for the millionth time that day. He relaxed a bit as Sarah put her hand over his and leaned into his touch. _I will not let that guy freak me out anymore tonight._

"I'm- I’m fine. It wasn’t- wasn’t _Ryan..._ I just, I don't know what got into me. I'm okay." He assured. Brendon couldn’t tell if he was trying to convince himself as well. Sarah looked away.

"You haven't had a panic attack in years Brendon, it's not okay. I just don't want it to be like before..." He took my hand off of her face to hold both of hers tightly. _Oh my God._ He felt absolutely terrible for making her think that way. _You dumb fuck. You know how Sarah gets! Calm the fuck down, man!_

"It won't be. Ever. That is a goddamn fucking promise.” Brendon kissed Sarah’s cheek, where a single tear was rolling down. She sniffed and gave him a smile. “C'mon, we’ll both feel ten times better if we stop acting all depressed and have a bit of fun." She nodded, looking relieved. When they exited the car to stand in the long, _LONG_ ass line Brendon intertwined his fingers with Sarah's. He listened to her talk for a few minutes about things that went on while I was on tour, but his thoughts interrupted her words. _I really made her think i would go back to what I was like all those years ago... I fucking hate that I did that._

*

After the initial breakup in 2009 Brendon fell into a _deep_ depression. I couldn't leave the house or do anything for that matter because he was too anxious to seek help and didn’t want anybody to pity him. He hated that, having people feel bad for you and judge you. He really didn’t want that.. When he first met Sarah she made him feel happy. She always listened to him without judgement or bias, and she offered him a shoulder to lean on whenever he needed it. Brendon I finally felt like he had a real friend other than Spencer, who cared about him, but Brendon didn’t want to bother him, even if the man insisted that he didn’t mind. Spencer had a girlfriend and they were getting closer, and he was dealing with his own issues. Brendon didn’t want to interrupt that. 

Sarah eventually convinced him to go to a doctor, which might have taken quite a while, but he couldn’t pass on Sarah’s suggestions. She was always right, and so he did. For a couple years he took anti-depressants and anxiety medication and started to recover. He was getting better slowly, but surely, and he was glad. 

I gave it all up when Ryan and I got back together in 2011. Sarah, the meds -he was only taking the anxiety medication at that point- because he thought he didn't need them anymore. Brendon thought Ryan’s absence caused his mental instability and that once they were a couple again that he’d be okay. He thought he was fine for the few weeks the two were together, but after the incident after the signing Brendon fell even deeper than before. Everyday felt like he was sinking, drowning in an ocean of his mistakes and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t escape. Didn’t want to escape. This time he refused all help. Sarah tried time and time again to make Brendon to renew his prescription but he always said no. He pushed her away, pushed everyone away. His brain convinced him he didn’t deserve happiness, that he was a worthless piece of shit who didn't deserve anything good in his life. I lost all will to live. Sometimes his brain would wander and thoughts of ending it all swirled through his head, he thought it might end his suffering and pain for good. He thought maybe ending himself would maybe improve Ryan’s life. The man didn’t care for him, he seemed to be getting on well… Maybe this whole time it was Brendon keeping him from healing... 

_It'd be so easy, wouldn't it? Quick and simple. People would get over it. Not like anyone would even bat an eyelash… Maybe I can finally make Ryan happy..._

One day, approximately 8 months later, Brendon snapped. Panic! was still on tour for Vices and Virtues, and after suffering _another_ panic attack after a show -which had become a regular thing that happened pretty much nightly- he couldn't take it, he was at his breaking point and anything anyone did to try and help made it worse. He was more suicidal than he’d ever been. 

That night when everybody was at some interview party thing or something Brendon decided to stay back, I told everyone he must’ve caught something and they could just go without me. Surprisingly, nobody offered to stay with him or refused him. They must’ve been fed up with his shit and wanted a break. For hours he thought about how he’d kill himself, he was running out of time and needed to do it quick. He finally settled on some blue, label-less bottle of pills he found in Spencer’s bag. It seemed like the most simple and painless way to do it, so Brendon found an old, half empty bottle of water and downed the whole pill jar before he could think otherwise. A few minutes later they finally kicked in, and all he could see was black. He kept going in and out of consciousness, the pills made him vomit up stomach acid every time he awoke. He was left in tears on the floor, and the only thing that kept him company were his thoughts, telling Brendon he fucked up like always. He tried to push them away and let the darkness take over, but it wasn’t happening. Maybe… Maybe he wasn’t supposed to die… _Fuck. Fuck! Why’d i do this?!_ Brendon got to his knees, trying his hardest to push through the intense pain in his abdomen as he searched the tour bus for somebody, _anybody_ who could help. Maybe this could be his second chance, but of course, nobody was there. Brendon collapsed, sobbing violently as his vision blurred. He was about to give up and let himself go when Spencer and Sarah walked in to see how he was doing. 

_"I- I think I… I made a huge fucking mistake. I didn't- I don't want to fucking die!"_ The room spun around him, his eyes stung with the tears that streaked his face and it felt like somebody was ripping out Brendon`s insides. After a moment their faces dropped as the two of them rushed to his sides to help me up.

 _"What the hell are you talking about Brendon?"_ Sarah questioned. Spencer was looking around to see what could've caused his outburst. 

_"Please! I'm sorry-"_ Brendon tried so hard to form a coherent sentence but his brain wasn’t working. All he could do was just sob and plead, praying to a God he knew didn't exist that they'd figure out what happened. Sarah was crying, and I could tell Spencer was breaking down. Spencer rushed to Brendon’s side, empty pill bottle in hand as he quickly explained what he thought happened. 

_”The fuck did you do man? What the fuck?!”_ The last thing Brendon remembered was both Spencer pressing for answers he couldn’t respond to and Sarah sobbing by his side into her phone and then everything went black. 

When Brendon awoke he was lying in an uncomfortable bed in a small stuffy hospital room. Sarah was beside him, holding his hand and crying into his shoulder while Spencer sat in silence across the room, head in his hands. As soon as they noticed Brendon was awake they told him they loved him, that he was fucking insane for trying to kill himself. He agreed. 

_"Seriously Brendon, do not ever try that shit again. We really care about you. Everyone does, and we all want you to be happy, and fucking _alive._ Please, come to somebody if you’re feeling shitty, okay? Sarah loves you, the band loves you, I fucking love you man. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you..."_ Spencer said to him after convincing Sarah to take a breather.Brendon felt absolutely terrible, he knew they must've been so scared. Sarah wasn't being her usual self and her eyes were puffy and she was sniffling and even Spencer looked like he’d been crying. He took spencer’s hand and held it to his chest, promising his friend it would never happen again. He wouldn’t let it. 

When they were released from the hospital Sarah took Brendon to get the depression and anxiety meds again, and didn't leave my side for 3 whole months. It took a while, maybe even longer than before, but he started to feel worth living again, and slowly his happiness came back, mostly thanks to Sarah and Spence. But even Dallon and the rest of the band, everyone around him filled him with love and encouragement. 

He took the medication until Death of a Bachelor came out. He finally felt _normal_ and like his old self again, the same happy Brendon from 8 years ago. He was at my highest point in life, learning to turn anxiety into adrenaline and pushing through his bad days and being productive, that's how the record was wrote. Just Brendon sat at his piano trying to play any sadness away, and it worked. From that he came up with some pretty fucking amazing songs -in his opinion-. DOAB was _definitely_ the best album Brendon had wrote so far, even without Spencer while the man got his own shit together and with little help from anyone. Brendon even decided to write a song about the hardships he’d endured, calling it Impossible Year. It was possibly the most emotional song he’d written in a while Hell, maybe even the most emotional he’d _ever_ written, period. 

Sarah squeezed Brendon’s hand, breaking him away from his thoughts, and pulled him into the bar. _Shit, that was quick._

*

The place was so loud Brendon’s ears immediately started ringing. The bar was pretty small inside, but insanely crowded. Brendon and Sarah had to push through what seemed like thousands of people to get to the actual bar, where Pete was sitting on a stool with Patrick and some other guys. 

"Brendon! Sarah! You finally made it." Pete yelled through the blaring music. 

"Did I do a good job, or what? This bar is fucking amazing! I am officially the king of after parties." Brendon and Sarah laughed. 

"Yeah dude, thanks a lot. But why the fuck did you invite so many people?" He asked. It seemed like Pete invited the whole record label and they invited all their friends and families. Pete slapped him on the back with a chuckle. 

"Networking my man, how many times do I gotta tell you? Now you two better get your asses over here and have some goddamn fun or I wasted _a lot_ of money." The couple sat at the stools and started making conversation. Everybody congratulated Brendon on the tour and he felt his cheeks burning. Even though Brendon had been _'in the spotlight'_ as some would say, since he was 17 it still felt so embarrassing to have so a lot of people talking about you all at once. Not like he didn’t appreciate it, but it was just too kind for him to take. Brendon ordered he and Sarah drinks and started to enjoy himself for the first time all day. He could feel the tension melting away from his muscles and the stress from earlier dissolving. _Maybe we shouldn't leave so soon, tonight's gonna be fun as fuck._

After a couple more drinks and banter with everyone around him, Brendon got up to take a quick breather outside. He was having a great time, but he bar was crowded and hot and he was sweating his fucking balls off. Sarah asked to come, but seemed to be enjoying herself with a few friends and Brendon didn’t want to interrupt that, so he shook his head with a smile and planted a kiss on her nose. 

”I’ll be fine, Sar. Stay here and have fun, I’ll be back in a few.” With a kiss back from her and an adorable smirk Brendon was pushing his way back to the front door. To his amazement, the line outside was still stretched out onto the sidewalk. How anyone could still fit inside the place, Brendon didn’t know. He stood against the wall, waiting for it to quiet down a little bit before he left, and noticed the smudged black pen on his wrist. _I should say something. Maybe that’ll help clear my mind._ Brendon pulled out his phone and entered the first few digits of Ryan’s number. A contact popped up on the fourth number. _**Ross**. Looks like Ryan hadn’t even changed his number all these years._ Brendon typed out a message, and with liquid courage running through his veins he sent it. _Couldn’t end that bad,_ He thought. He walked up the the exit again to find the bouncer arguing with someone. The guy said he’d been waiting in line forever, and his friend was waiting for him inside, but the bouncer didn’t believe him. Brendon listened in -no shame- as they argued. _Poor guy. Just wants to fucking get in to his friend already._ And with that the bouncer sent the man to the back of the line, which still stretched out way past the entrance. _Shit,_ Brendon thought. He had to help the guy. With a deep breath he tapped the bouncer’s shoulder. 

”Hey, why can’t you let the poor dude in?” Brendon asked. The much taller man looked down on him with an annoyed expression. Brendon could see the silhouette of the man who was just told to leave stop. 

His name isn't on the list, I can't let him in." Brendon rolled his eyes. There had to have been peoiple that got in that night who weren’t _On the list._

"C'mon, he's not doing any harm. There's already a million people in there, what's one more?" 

"I can't bend the rules for this guy." The bouncer didn’t look impressed at all. 

"Seriously man. I know him, it's fine." Brendon lied. At that the silhouette turned around. 

"Jesus Christ." The man muttered. 

"Fine Brendon. But I'm not doing these favours for you all the time, dude.” Brendon smiled, feeling accomplished. Now the poor dude could get in without any hassle from this asshole bouncer over here. 

“Ryan Ross? Come here, somebody saved your ass." _Fuck. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck. This isn’t good._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's my twitter and tumblr if anyone has any suggestions or just needs to talk. my dm's are always open;  
> twitter.com/smokingthedrugs  
> smokingthedrugs.tumblr.com


	6. New Perspective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's that spicy cuisine.  
> 1\. ryan has a weird self hate thing. idek  
> 2\. brendon is drunk asf  
> 3\. minor trigger warning for mentions of suicide attempt  
> 4\. thank you all for 500 hits. This is huge flippin milestone and i really appriciate everybody who's taken the effort to read or even click on this thing. ily guys sm  
> 5\. this chapter references a girl named Bethany. she's not Bethany Mota, she's Bethan Curtis, the lead singer of a lil emo-ish band called As December Falls. You should check em out  
> 6\. this is a re-upload. not much has changed, but there is a really different part than before so if you want you can just check that out. might stop any future confusion
> 
> enjoy frens! <3

**Ryan:**

Ryan didn't know _what the hell_ he was getting himself into when he bought tickets to Panic! At the Disco’s show. What did he expect, that Brendon would forgive him for what he did and they’d go back to playing happy families? _He's married now. He doesn't want to have anything to do with you. Makes sense, you were a complete dick the last time you two were together._

It took Ryan forever to get over Brendon Urie, especially after the thing at the Vices signing, and as soon as he felt like he was even partially himself again all of his progress was thrown away when he saw the man at a damn Halloween party in 2015. After that Ryan couldn't stop thinking about him, and felt like he owed him something. Brendon deserved an apology at least. Maybe Ryan was a bit late with it -an understatement, he thought- but it was better late than never. 

As soon as he heard that the Death Of A Bachelor tour was coming to LA, Ryan bought meet and greet tickets. He refused to call him, that would be the easy way out. If they talked face to face they'd be able to talk about things for real, and Brendon would know that his apology was sincere. The only way to do that was to get the tickets. Ryan strongly doubted that Brendon would even answer his phone call, nevermind agree to meet him somewhere in person. Ryan had to do the right thing, even if he knew Brendon would hate his guts no matter what. He deserved that… And maybe deep inside Ryan wanted to see one of his shows for the first (and probably last) time as well. 

When the man pulled him backstage - _alone_ \- Ryan was shocked, but relieved that Brendon actually _acknowledged_ him. Ryan was sure that he’d get Zack to take him backstage before he even got to the front of the line. That all went away when he said he wasn't ready to talk yet, Ryan thought he'd made him feel awkward or uncomfortable. _Great job jackass, you’re scaring him away._ But when Brendon asked to meet in that spot _after_ the show Ryan thought he’d break down right there, which embarrassingly he did when Brendon left. He wasn't exactly meaning to and _definitely_ didn't want to but the whole scenario was so overwhelming, Ryan couldn't bear to hold in the emotions any longer.

After the fucking _amazing_ show Ryan ran into Brendon's wife. He was sure he’d die right then and there. He was so damn stressed out about talking to Brendon for real and now Sarah would be confused about him being there. She'd probably push him for answers and not want him to speak to Ryan at all. _You just keep screwing up, don't you?_ She knew they were together before, she had to. It was just odd for him to pop up after so long without it seeming suspicious.

When the two man spoke Ryan blurted out a bunch of things he’d been holding in for years. He was releasing all of his pent up emotions. The mask he’d been wearing for ages and it was cracking. Ryan started bawling and fell into Brendon’s chest like the fucking idiot he was. He knew he really shouldn’t of, but it just felt natural. Ryan was about to pull away and apologize for getting so weird and clingy when Brendon wrapped his arms around him. It reminded him of how they used to be before he fucked everything up. It was sick, but Ryan fucking loved it. Brendon _forgave_ him and reassured him that he wasn’t the only one at fault which made Ryan feel a bit better, but he strongly doubted the sincerity of his words. He couldn’t forgive me. He hated me, he had to. How could it not be my fault? Ryan hit him for doing nothing at all! Brendon’s logic made no sense. 

Everything seemed to end before it really began -with all the crazy emotions and crying and shit- when Brendon had to leave to see his _real_ friends. Of course, Ryan was wasting the limited amout of time Brendon had. He must’ve wanted to see his wife, say bye to his other band members… Ryan had just forgot Brendon only had a few minutes. 

As Ryan prepared to leave he caught himself unconsciously scanning Brendon's features, taking it all in like a fucking creepy fangirl. The man did look incredible though, like he always had. Brendon was a naturally beautiful person, even with his dark hair was slicked to his forehead and damp with sweat after his concert. He looked like he was deep in thought, biting the inside of his lip like he used to. It was a Brendon thing. Ryan thought it was cute he still did that. _Head out of the gutter Ryan. Stop being a creep._ He then suggested we should get coffee some time, that man was just full of surprises. Ryan agreed and tried not to shake as I wrote my number on his arm in chicken scratch. Brendon forgot his phone. I usually wrote in cursive, but I was too overwhelmed and anxious and a million different things at once that my hand did shake and messed it up. 

When Ryan left it felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders that had been sitting there for a millennium. Brendon didn’t _seem_ like he hated him and he actually maybe wanted to be _friends_ or at least be on good terms, Ryan couldn't believe it. Maybe coming to the show wasn't such a bad idea after all. Though even after everything was said and done Ryan still had a nagging feeling at the back of his head telling him that everything he just did was wrong. He ignored it. Today was going to be a good day, and Ryan wasn’t letting his fucked up head mess it up. 

*

"Dude you don't understand how fucking _amazing_ I feel. I haven't felt like this in years man, _years!_ " As soon as Ryan got back to his apartment he decided to call Jon. They hadn't hung out in a long time and he felt terrible about it. He was Ryan’s best friend and they hadn't talked as much as they used to lately. After talking to Brendon, Ryan feet like a million dollars, and thought he should find somebody to share the high with. Come to think of it, he really hadn’t been socializing as much as he probably should have, and Jon seemed happy to see him again. 

”I heard there's a party thing tonight at this little bar downtown. They said it's going to be _sick._ Why don't we go there and have some fun? You haven't been out of the house in ages, Ryro." Ryan laughed at the nickname. Nobody had called him that in forever. He pondered the idea. Jon was right, we hadn't been out in ages, and a party could be fun. Drinking and enjoying himself with a friend seemed like a good way to end the day.

"Yeah, why the hell not? That's a fucking great idea." Jon grinned at him, Ryan could tell he was impressed with himself. 

"When is it?"

"10:30. So we have..." Ryan looked down at his watch. _9:53 pm_

"37 minutes." He finished. 

"Is that enough time to get ready?" Jon let out a chuckle, raising his eyebrow.

"For me, yes. But you take _forever_ to get ready for these kinds of things. How about you meet me there. Is that alright, princess?" Ryan rolled his eyes with a smirk.

"Fucking hilarious. I'm laughing my ass off." He said sarcastically. Jon roared out in laughter, and Ryan couldn't help but join in.

"Okay." he sighed, catching his breath. 

"But seriously man, is that good? 'Cause I can just wait if you want," Ryan shook his head, waving off Jon’s suggestion. He hated how his friends treated him sometimes. He wasn't a child, and he knew how to get myself to a goddamn party. Though Jon had been there during a lot of his social anxiety attacks, and he knew he was just looking out for him, but sometimes it made him feel like he was five years old.

"I'll be okay, don’t worry. You should get going though, I need to shower and stuff and you probably want to get there at a decent time." Jon nods.

"Yeah, you're right. I'll text you the address and stuff. Hurry the hell up though, I'll be bored as fuck all by myself." Ryan give him a genuine looking smile, though he knew the man was lying. Jon loved parties and social gatherings. He'd have a great time without having to worry about Ryan and his messed up brain.They say their goodbyes and Jon is out the door. Ryan shut and locked it as soon as he’d left and headed to the bathroom to take a shower. _He'll have a better time without you there. Stay home. Who’d want _you_ around anyways? You're no fun, you're a burden to the people around you. You fuck everything up._ Ryan shook his head, pushing the ugly thoughts to the back of his mind. He turned the hot water on full blast and got inside, wincing as the stream hit his back. The water burned, but it was comforting. It cleared his mind for a while. Ryan stood there for a moment, letting his skin adjust to the temperature. _I can't believe how great everything went today, it's a goddamn miracle he actually talked to me. I wonder when he'll text..._ Ryan felt a smile creep onto his face. It really was a miracle that this all happened. All these years he’d thought Brendon hated him and never wanted to see him again, but it seemed as if he felt the same way Ryan did. _You mean _if_ he'll text. You really think he wants to keep in contact? You're kidding yourself, Ryan._ Or not. Maybe Brendon wanted to get him the fuck out of there as soon as possible. Maybe Ryan was going ruining his marriage. Of course, he ruined everything else anyways. The water hitting his skin went cold. Ryan quickly rinsed himself off and shut off the water. He shivered as the air hit his body, making everything even more freezing. _Goddammit._ He towel dried himself as he walked to his bedroom, grabbing a pair of black jeans and a t-shirt and throwing them on as fast as possible. He didn’t care about the beads of water on his back and shoulders and still dripping hair. Ryan let out a sigh as the shivering stopped. _Fuck, that party. What time is it?_ Ryan searched desperately for his phone and spotted it on the edge of the bathroom sink. When turning it on Ryan saw 2 texts. One from Jon telling him where that bar was located, and one from a contact he hadn't seen in years. Ryan felt his heartbeat speed up. 

**My Boy:** _hey. sorry i didn't text earlier i forgot to put in your #. If you aren’t busy tomorrow maybe we could chill? we barely had any time today. text me later and we’ll figure out a time and stuff i guess. this is Brendon by the way. didn't mean to bombard you with a long ass text from a random num. text you soon I hope._

_Oh my fucking god. Holy shit. He actually texted._ Ryan felt like he was going to implode. He’d forgot Brendon was still in his phone and he honestly couldn't even believe he actually sent Ryan a message. He read it over and over again _just_ to make sure it was real, and holy fucking shit, it was.

*

Ryan got in his car to drive to Jon's party. The whole parking lot was full, so he had to park a block away at the side of the street. _Fucking hell..._ There was a giant line in front of the bar and it'd probably take forever to get inside. _I'm almost an hour late, how is the line still so long?_ Ryan stood at the very back, almost at the sidewalk. It seemed as if he was miles away from that stupid fucking door. He put his hands in my pockets and waited to get in.

After 45 long and painful minutes Ryan felt his phone buzz in his pocket.

 **Jonny:** _dude where are u? its almost been 2 hours are u coming?_

Ryan shook my head and laughed, ignoring the girls looking back at him. 

**Me:** _Yup, be there in another 700._

He replied. Jon didn't say the party was _this_ big, what the fuck was it for anyways? He put his phone back in his pocket. It couldn't be _that_ much longer, could it?

Another half an hour later Ryan was finally at the front of the line. _Finally._

"Name?" The bouncer asked, looking down at the clipboard he held. He was huge and muscular and made Ryan feel like a little kid.

"George Ryan Ross, I don't know if I'm on there actually. I'm here with Jonathan Walker, he's inside." The guy looks through his papers, presumably searching for Ryan’s name.

"Not here. Next?" He shouted, waving Ryan away. _I can't leave. Shit, this is irritating._

"Wait, you must not have heard me. I'm here with _Jonathan Walker. He's inside. If you just let me step inside and grab him-"_

__

"You’re not permitted to do that. If you call him you can meet him at _the back_ of the line and he can give me confirmation." The man cut him off. _Fucking dick!_ Ryan opened his mouth to say something and he stopped him again.

__

"I said, next."

__

"Please man, just do me a favour here. I've almost been here for an hour and a half. I can't wait in that damn line anymore. Just give me 2 minutes." The guy put his clipboard down and stared Ryan deep in the eyes, crossing his arms. He was way bigger than him, Ryan definitely couldn't take him in a fight. He'd kill him. He pointed to the end of the line and it looked even longer than when Ryan first arrived. He sighed. There was nothing he could do, he couldn't touch this dude.

__

"Fine, fine. I'm going." Ryan turned around, beginning to walk to the back. He was about to leave for good when he heard the bouncer arguing with somebody. The asshole deserved to get in shit. 

__

"His name isn't on the list, I can't let him in." Wait, were they talking about him? Ryan stopped to hear what they were saying.

__

"C'mon, he's not doing any harm. There's already a million people in there, what's one more?" That voice sounded familiar.

__

"I can't just bend the rules for this guy."

__

"Seriously man. I know him, it's fine." _What?_ That voice wasn’t Jon’s, so who else could it be? 

__

"Jesus Christ." The guy muttered under his breath, just loud enough for Ryan to hear. 

__

"Fine Brendon." His stomach dropped at the name. _Fuck. That's the familiar voice._

__

"I'm not doing these favours for you all the time, dude. Ryan Ross? Come here, somebody saved your ass." I turned around and there he was. Brendon fucking Urie, with his dark eyes and kind smile. The man looked beautiful. _No, stop, fucking weird_ Ryan noticed his smile drop and his eyes widen when he heard his name. 

__

"Ryan? Are you okay?" Brendon asked. Ryan nodded, cracking his knuckles and walking closer to Brendon. He was too nervous and surprised to talk, the words were stuck in his throat. They went inside the bar together, the bouncer giving him a dirty look. Ryan kindly flipped him off. That dickwad. 

__

The music inside was so loud it made Ryan’s ears ring, and they could barely get through the crowd without pushing past people. This party was damn _huge._ He didn't know where they were going, but he followed Brendon without a word. He pulled Ryan into some small empty room that was much quieter than the rest of the bar. It looked like a coat room, jackets were hung all along the walls. Ryan was really confused. He looked at Brendon, trying to read his expression and _shit._ Brendon was drunk.

__

"I wasn't expecting you to be here, did Pete invite you?" He asked. _Pete?_ Ryan hadn't talked to him in years, even longer than he hadn't talked to Brendon. The last time they talked he refused to sign he and Jon to the record label. He said it was either The Young Veins or Panic!, and _of course_ he chose them instead.

__

"No, Jo- a uh, friend did. I didn't know you’d be here... Um, sorry..." He stuttered, and avoided Jon’s name. He didn’t know if the two were even on good terms. Jon never talked about him or Spencer at all. 

__

"It's fine, it's fine." Brendon puts his face in his hands, exhaling loudly. He seemed anxious. 

__

"Oh God..." Brendon laughed. This couldn’t end well. Drunk and anxious Brendon had never ended well. _Leave, you're making him uncomfortable. You're a fuck up, it's all you do._ Ryan felt his own anxiety spike at the thought.

__

"Um, Brendon, I'm sorry for uh, coming here... I can leave," He took a few steps back toward the door they entered. Brendon shook his head, looking up.

__

"No no, God, I'm sorry. I'm such an asshole. I'm just surprised you're here, I texted you." Brendon laughed, and he forced a choked one back. Ryan’s face reddened at the noise. _Stop embarrassing yourself. Fuck off and leave him be._ Ryan shook his head, mumbling to himself.

__

"Stop." He said under his breath, immediately regretting it as Brendon stopped smiling and looked at him with concern. _Fuck. Did I actually just do that?_ Ryan hadn’t done anything like that in quite a while, but his thoughts were screaming at him and he just wanted it to stop. He couldn't hold it in this time. I silently pray that Brendon didn't hear him, which was pretty fucking useless because the man already reacted.

__

"What?" _Great. He did hear me. Of course. Now I have to come up with a lie and he won't believe me and I'm gonna have to admit I'm fucking insane..._ Ryan stopped. He was spiraling. He took a deep breath.

__

"Fuck. Nothing, just uh, talking to myself I guess…" He muttered with an awkward smile, itching the back of his head. _Fucking idiot._ Brendon’s smile returned, and Ryan felt himself relax slightly. _Of course, he’s drunk. He won’t ponder._

__

"So um, who is this thing for? There's a lot of people..." Ryan’s voice breaks the brief silence between the two men, and ignoring the outburst from a moment ago. Brendon looked away but before he fully turned Ryan caught the blush rushing into his cheeks.

__

"Oh. Well... Pete kinda threw this for the band. I didn't know he'd have this many people... You know what he says,"

__

"Networking." Ryan finished. Pete would always throw huge ass parties, he said he'd made some amazing deals at them. Ryan always thought it was dumb. They both laughed quietly. Everything was so awkward, but every laugh they shared made Ryan feel a little better. It reminded me of before, when they were careless teenagers falling in love. They used to get along so well. Brendon and Ryan were so comfortable with one another, perfect some might even say, but now it was scary and nerve wracking and they were hesitant to what they told each other. Ryan wished it were that easy now. _But you ruined it, it's your fault._

__

"I miss it..." Ryan sighed, looking at my feet. _No. No, no, no! What am I doing? That’s so weird._ He was so embarrassed, and couldn't bear to see Brendon’s reaction. 

__

"Me too..." He responded quietly. Ryan stared up at him, shocked. He moved closer to Ryan, and their noses almost touched. There was electricity surging between them, and Ryan gulped. _This can’t be right._ Brendon smiled, letting out a sigh. Ryan could feel his breath against his lips. He could smell the sweat on Brendon’s skin and the alcohol on his breath. Ryan was utterly lost for words. _This is happening. This is actually fucking happening._ They leaned in closer, and closer, and- _Shit._ Brendon’s lips were touching his. The electricity intensified and it felt as if Ryan would be electrocuted, but he let it be. All thoughts left his mind as he moved his mouth. He felt Brendon smiling against him, and the man placed his hand on Ryan’s cheek. Ryan leaned into him, and laced his fingers together behind Brendon's neck. The kiss intensified, and Ryan’s breathing grew shallow. He felt… _Incredible_ as Brendon’s lips moved against his own. His hands carded through Ryan’s hair and he let out a tiny, barely audible moan out from the back of his throat. This was probably the best feeling Ryan had had in a very long time. A few minutes after it started, it stopped. Brendon pulled away, out of breath and smiling widely and, Ryan saw something. The same man stood in front of him, but with longer, shaggier hair and a more youthful glow. And just like that It disappeared. They still stood close together, breathing heavily. It was perfect. But, nothing is perfect forever, and it all ended as Brendon’s eyes widened and he stepped back. That’s when it hit Ryan. _Brendon Urie just _kissed me. _Brendon Urie, who is fucking married. I fucked up real good this time.___

______ _ _

”I- I” 

______ _ _

"Let’s go back to the party now, huh? You have a friend waiting for you?" Brendon changed the subject immediately. _Of course he did. He didn’t mean it, you fucked up and he wants you gone._ Ryan nodded, blinking away the fluid that stung his eyes.

______ _ _

"Yeah, I forgot. Uh, thanks for getting me in here Brendon." Brendon had no reaction. _Fuck me._ Ryan backed towards the door again, turning around and grabbing the knob. As he turned it he heard Brendon curse from behind him. Ryan spun his head around to see him and he shook his head, eyebrows furrowing in annoyance, though Ryan could see the pain in his eyes. 

______ _ _

"Brendon," I start cautiously, moving slightly towards him. 

______ _ _

"Your friend is probably wondering where you are." He tapped his foot on the ground. He was trying to put on an annoyed and angry façade but Ryan knew better. The way his shoulders slumped, the redness in his eyes and cheeks… Brendon was usually strong and capable of hiding his emotions from others, but Ryan knew better. He’d seen Brendon breakdown and cry, seen his angry to the point where his face turned red, seen him laugh until he choked, seen him fall apart under Ryan’s fingertips… It may have been a while, but Ryan knew Brendon inside and out. He saw now that Brendon wasn’t okay. He just revealed something he’d probably been trying to keep hidden away for a long time, and just kissed his ex-boyfriend while fucking _married._

______ _ _

"Can you leave? I'm fine. Fine, just fine." 

______ _ _

"Brendon," Ryan tried again. 

______ _ _

”I can tell there’s something wrong. I- I know you,and-” 

______ _ _

" _You?_ Know _me?_ You don’t fucking know me Ryan, and if you did you would’ve come back before because I fucking loved you so much and I almost _killed myself_ because I thought that’s what would make you happy. _Leave_.” _Oh my God._ Ryan sure as hell wasn’t leaving now. Brendon tried to… To kill himself? And he’d never found out? If he’d’ve heard that news before he would’ve been the first person by his side. He could never loose Brendon, even if they weren’t in each other's lives anymore, he _needed_ the man. Ryan thought that if one of them were to commit suicide, it’d definitely be himself. Brendon was the strongest person he knew. But… 

______ _ _

”I’m so sorry, Brendon, I-” 

______ _ _

”Jesus fucking Christ! You just don't listen do you? You really haven't changed at all Ryan." Ryan’s eyes burned. _I can’t leave him like this..._ He tried not to take the comment to heart. The man didn’t seem stable, and Ryan just wanted him to be okay again. _It's your fault. I told you to leave, for god sakes Ryan. You're a fucking worthless human being who does nothing but screw shit up._ His head started pounding. I _was_ useless. I couldn't help him, and he obviously didn't want me here.

______ _ _

"Can you please just go already? Fuck," Ryan couldn't look at him anymore. In his mind he was trying to go, but something was stopping him. It took all of Ryan’s strength to walk to the door and let himself out of the room. As soon as he’s out he falls onto the ground and tears stream out of my eyes. There are a few people around me and they keep glancing at me but don't say a word. They just watch for a moment and leave. Ryan doesn't care though, he didn't care about anything in that moment. He just ruined any chance of even being friends with Brendon, and probably his fucking marriage too.. He fucked up again, as usual. Ryan sat there and shut his eyes. The only thing he could see was Brendon. His smile, his eyes, how pained he looked after he pulled away... 

______ _ _

He stayed there for a while until he didn't have one single tear left to shed. Ryan stood up with a sigh and looked at the door. Brendon was still be in there... _You don't seriously want to go back in there. Are you fucking insane?_ Ryan decided to leave. He didn't want to cause Brendon anymore pain that night. 

______ _ _

He walked to the corner of the bar, where the music was a bit quieter and it's wasn’t quite as crowded. There were a few empty barstools and Ryan sat at the end of the row, trying to get as far away from the hype as he could. 

______ _ _

"Hey there, I’m Bethany. What can I get ya’?" He looked up. A short girl with long brown hair with two buns at the sides and really intense winged eyeliner wearing a white button down blouse tucked into a short skirt stood in front of him behind the bar table. She must’ve been the bartender. 

______ _ _

"Just Coke and whiskey I guess. Thanks." He didn't look her in the eyes. Ryan saw Bethany nod her head and smile in his peripheral. 

______ _ _

"No problem. You waitin' for somebody?" She put the glass in front of me and cocked out her hip putting a hand on it. 

______ _ _

"Nope. Just came for a drink, probably just gonna leave after." Ryan really didn't want to talk to this girl. After what just happened he honestly didn't want to talk to anyone. He'd probably just fuck it all up and make himself look like an idiot. 

______ _ _

"How much?" Ryan asked, taking a sip of the drink. He swished it around in my mouth until it burned. 

______ _ _

"On the house. You look like you need that." She laughed. Ryan stayed silent. She seemed to take the hint and walked across the bar to serve other people. Ryan spun his stool around, slumping against the wall and letting out a sigh. He closing my eyes. _How could this day have gotten so fucking terrible?_

______ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's my twitter and tumblr if anyone has any suggestions or just needs to talk. my dm's are always open;  
> twitter.com/smokingthedrugs  
> smokingthedrugs.tumblr.com


	7. ...yeah.

sooo,,, it's been a long time. and just in case anybody was ACTUALLY invested in this story- which i strongly doubt- i just wanted to let you know that i'm not planning on continuing this fic. 

i'm not exactly that into this fandom anymore, for one (i love panic!, and i love beebo and ry, but not as much as when i first came out with this.)

another thing, is that this fic is complete TRASH. yeah, i said it before as a joke, but months later i'm actually realizing that yes, this is shit. i knew nothing of suicide or mental illness, and i made these people way ooc. and i apologize for that. 

i ESPECIALLY apologize for making brendon, and ryan, and- well, /everyone/ a complete dick. just- one thing that makes me cringe about this piece of crud was making brendon cheat on sarah, when he'd obviously never do that. and seeing brendon's reaction to a fic somebody else wrote with the same action? it made me feel pretty shitty. 

it's not cool to write fan fictions like this about real people. it's weird. especially when talking about smut, or relationships. that's why i mostly stick to writing FICTIONAL characters. 

anyways, not to hate on any bandom or youtube fic writers, but it just makes me uncomfortable. THIS makes me uncomfortable. 

so, i just wanted to give you all an official goodbye, and thank you for the hits and kudos since i've posted this. it means a LOT. and i'm sorry that this isn't going to be finished up. i just wanted to be honest. 

peace, y'all. 

~ jerm


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